The Art of Accepting a Compliment

Why is it so hard for us to accept a compliment? Maybe you don't have that issue. But I do. Someone compliments something I've made and I can always point out a flaw. "Oh, thank you, but it didn't turn out like I'd hoped." Someone comes into my home and says, "It looks amazing" and my response usually involves picking at some little thing that didn't get done. Nevermind trying to compliment me personally. 

I am told often throughout my day that I'm beautiful or amazing or incredible or any other wonderful adjective that can be used to describe another human. And I shrug it off because people see a mere illusion when they see me, right? But there is one voice that has broken through the cacophony and brought me to my knees.

I have someone in my life who insists on a photo of me every single day. And with every pic I send, he will tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful. He's half a world away at the moment, but he always takes time from his day to make me feel so special. He gets me to brag on myself, my work ethic, or any other thing that makes me feel like I'm enough. 

When we started this, he would compliment me and I'd always find something negative to say. I would point out each and every flaw possible. When I started getting remarks from him saying things like "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?" or "Do you not believe me?," I really began to think about the heart of the man paying me these compliments. 

What's he getting from telling me how beautiful I am? Nothing, other than the satisfaction of making me feel good about myself. What gain does he receive from telling me how perfect or amazing I am in his eyes? Again, nothing. He simply wants me to know how he feels and how he sees me. 

He knows I'm difficult. He gets that my self-esteem is high some days and extremely low other days. But can I tell you something that I don't think even he understands? 

I look forward to sending him these pictures every day. Whether he gets one with a full-face of make-up or one where I am still in bed with my face full of wrinkles from my pillowcase and bed head, I find beauty within as I snap each pic. 

I used to make him ask each day. Because, in my opinion, who could possibly need to see ME every single day? Turns out that this man does. And I don't make him ask anymore. Even on days when I feel like shit, I still send him a pic. 

I've discovered that he does that to make sure that I'm okay. Some days, I receive the message that says "You look stressed." You can hide a lot behind a computer screen. You cannot hide much in a photo...especially when you are the end of your rope and ready to fall apart. 

Don't get me wrong...we still tease and pick at each other because that's who we are. As much as I have grown accustomed to reading his appreciation of my beauty, inside and out, it is the "You make my heart smile" or "You make me laugh" that fills my heart to the capacity that it overflows all over the place. 

I grew up in a family where my grandma and mom were seldom in pictures. If they were, they would put their hands over their faces and try to hide. You know the pictures I crave seeing these days? Yep, it is pictures of Grandma and Mom simply because it brings them closer to me.

Some day, I hope the man who is a half a world away reads this and knows that no matter what happens between us... he understands how far he's brought me in learning to simply say "Thank you" when he gives me compliment.

 

Taking Ownership

I apologize. I've missed a couple of weeks here. Work and life got overly busy. Things are shifting and changing is a very positive way.

I went to dinner with a friend the other night and we were having this beautiful conversation. The topic turned to taking ownership of your life. 

This year has been insane! However, in the midst of the insanity, I have found peace. Peace with myself and who I am. I have taken ownership of so many things this year.

First of all, my age. I am 48 and I am owning it. I don't look it. I don't act it. I don't dress the part. I am 48 and am loving every minute of this age. I'm still more comfortable in jeans and t-shirts with my feet bare. My hair is multi-colored, but it suits my personality...or so I'm told. I've released inhibitions that I've carried for years and I feel freer than ever.

Secondly, my body. I'm not the pretty sort of curvy that most people think of. Gravity has carried my breasts a little further south than I'd like. There's more tummy than I want to think about. And there are lines around my eyes that are relatively new. However, I still get called things like "beautiful", "yummy", and "perfect". This body has carried me through some amazing times and some really bad times. I wear the same size pants I wore in high school and my shirts are only slightly bigger than they were 30 years ago. I need to be damn proud of that.

And lastly, this life I'm being blessed with. It has definitely taken a turn that I never saw coming. I've ended up in some crazy places with even crazier people. However, there was a song we used to sing in church when I was a kid and it talked about showers of blessings. I never dreamed that this song would apply to my life. Things have changed and I am being showered in an abundance of blessings. Instead running for shelter and waiting for the storm to pass, I am dancing in the blessings, letting each one touch me. After all, I deserve to be blessed, too.

We can all agree that 2020 is not the year we were hoping it would be. Like my previous post stated, it is the year we needed. Step into yourself. Own who you are. Own the life you've been given. We only get one go around. Why spend it looking for the other shoe to drop or mourning over the body you had 30 years ago? Love it. Embrace it. Own it! Who cares what society thinks? Who are you harming by loving yourself? 

Loving Yourself Enough

I had a very big lesson this week and I thought I'd share it with all of you.

 

Not everyone in my life wants me to succeed. As long as I am available to help build their dreams and to help them succeed, I am needed. The minute I start to spread my wings and find my own way, I become disposable. 

The person who taught me this very difficult lesson once told me, "Money makes people do really bad things," and they weren't wrong. Because when it came down to my survival or their checkbook, my survival became trivial.

It was at this point that I realized something that my heart has been telling me for a while. Everyone wants a piece of me, but there are people who get upset if I try to keep a piece of myself...for myself.

You see, I dared to start to dream again. I dared to restart things that would help me succeed. I dared to begin the process that was needed to move forward from this phase...this phase where I was helping someone else create their dream. 

I'm not sure how it all began to be honest, except I began to do an bit of inquiry into what was necessary for me to work on my passion. And it began to spiral into possibilities. And those possibilities became attainable.

Then, I made the mistake of discussing this with a person who I thought wished for me to succeed. When my need to survive and my desire to succeed outweighed my desire to build this person's dreams, bitterness and hatred spewed forth. And I got a very deep look into exactly how this person saw me. It hurt. It hurt badly. But I got the lesson and the push needed to pursue MY dream harder and with everything I have.

So, you see I learned a lesson about self-care. It isn't always about facials, mani/pedis, or meditation. Self-care is about nursing your dreams, following your passion, and creating your own happiness. After all, not everyone in your life wants you to succeed for yourself. If you're not helping further their success or building their dreams, you become useless.

Don't let someone ever take away your desire, your passion, or your dreams! Practice self-care and cut these people from your life! That's what I'm doing.

 

The Moth

I am so blessed to be part of a community of women who lift each other up, empower each other, and just enjoy one another's company. Sure, we get a little rowdy and exchange more than a couple of slightly naughty things, but damn, do they know how to make a woman feel proud to be a woman.

The other day, a member of the group shared this meme: 

I had to roll this over in my mind for a bit before I commented. After all, moths are usually considered nuisances who cling to your screen door in the summer. We seldom discuss moths. When we think of moths, the dullness of colors comes to mind. And, well, let's be honest...they're not as beautiful as butterflies, right?

Then, a friend (not a part of this group) posted a picture of a moth she had found. It was gorgeous! I couldn't believe how stunning this moth was. 

That was when it hit me...HARD. Moths are just as beautiful as butterflies, but they serve many of the same purposes (pollination being a huge one). Moth bodies are a bit fuzzier, fuller, heavier. Moths aren't as flashy in their colors, but they are still beautiful. Instead of needing the sunshine to bounce of their wings to flash their colors, moths have the moonlight. You may have to look a little harder to find the beauty, but it is most certainly there. 

That's when I realized that I am more moth than butterfly. My body isn't slender by ANY definition. My colors are a little more vibrant than some, but the darkness? Oh, the darkness will allow you to see me in my full glory. 

I have spent the last too many decades of my life trying to fit a square peg in a round  hole. For so long, I've tried to be what society deems as beautiful and if I'm not, then I must be horrifically ugly, right? Wrong! (And I seldom will admit this to anyone.) I was so incredibly wrong. 

This is one of the favorite things I've read in a long time:

So, I am on a mission in this my 48th year of life. I am going to stop comparing myself to other women. Because while I may not be their kind of beautiful, I am my own kind of beautiful and that matters, too. And I don't want to be the kind of beautiful that just shows on the outside. I want my beauty to radiate from the inside out and shine brightly in the darkness. After all, moths are attracted to light, right? Maybe this means I'll find even more of my tribe.

When Did You Stop Dancing?

The dreaded birthday has came and went. Lots of sadness and wistfulness have flooded my soul. I have cried until I can cry no more. I have my up days and my down days, but I made it through.

I've been sitting in the moment and letting my days wash over me. I'm finally coming out of the fog and moving forward with life.

The above quote has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. As someone who has Native blood coursing through her veins and feels more in touch with herself when she's near water, I've pondered the questions.

When did I stop dancing? Goodness. It's been a long time. I seldom turn on the music and just cut loose these days. I'm not quite sure why, but I just don't. I used to dance all the time. Badly, mind you, but I still danced.

When did I stop singing? It's been a while for that, too. I am someone who loves music. It is a very HUGE part of my life. The only time I even listen to music these days is on my  way to and from work.  And I love to sing. I've been singing most of my life. For some reason, I've just stopped.

When did I stop being enchanted by stories? I'm not really sure anymore. I am a reader. Once upon a time, I would devour stories at the rate of a book or more a day. These days, I can't remember the last book I read. I pre-ordered a book for myself as soon as I could. It sits on my nightstand with an uncracked cover. By the same token, I've also quit writing my own stories. I just have no desire to write these days and I don't know why.

I can't remember the last time I walked barefoot in the grass or just sat in the sunshine. I'm so ungrounded and off-kilter these days. I haven't spent a lot of time staring up at the stars in infinite wonder and spoke to the moon of wishes and dreams. 

Instead, I've simply held onto the hurt, depression, and anxiety, allowing the darkness to wrap around me like a blanket.

So, today, I have opened up all the curtains and let the sun flood my world. I turned the music on. I still haven't sang, but I'll get there. Dancing? Well, that may have to wait for another day. (I have a dog who gets WAY too excited. LOL)

So, if you're feeling down, let me ask you, "When did you stop dancing? When did you quit singing? When were you last enchanted by stories?"

And for today, turn on your music and dance! Who cares how silly you look? Laugh. Be young again. And dance like no one is watching!

You Do You, Boo!

Believe me when I say that I'm speaking to myself as much as anyone when I say this.

You've made bad decisions? It's okay.
You've made mistakes? It's okay.
This isn't a life sentence. You're allowed to use that lesson as a jumping off point. You're allowed to grow from your past. You are not the woman you once were. You've grown. You've changed. You're allowed all of that!

Self-love looks like so many things. It may be a mani/pedi or it may be spending a day in your pajamas, binge watching Disney movies (or vet shows on Disney+, I'm just sayin'). It could be giving yourself a facial or cleaning your house. Or, as I was once lucky enough to have (before this quarantine hit), a six hour lunch with your best friend where tears and laughter took over for that time. Sometimes, it's letting go of the baggage that is weighing you down and keeping you from being the best version of yourself for yourself.

That is what self-love is all about. Doing what's best for you in that moment. Society pressures us to do more and be more. Even in quarantine, I'm seeing posts about bettering yourself and learning a new hobby. Seriously? Some days, I just don't want to. Some days, I want to wallow in my misery and eat comfort food. Other days, I go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine. Then, I open up a vein and write a blogpost. 

One thing my beautiful goddess of a best friend tells me often is this: You do you, Boo!

She doesn't always understand why I enjoy the things I do and vice versa. But in a world where pressure to be absolutely everything to everyone reigns, it's nice to hear those words. 

So, from one woman to another, let me say the thing that maybe you need to hear most: It's okay. You do you, Boo!