Making It Through

 Hey! It's been a hot minute since I've checked in with you all and I am so sorry!  I hope everyone is okay. If you aren't, drop me a line. I'm more than happy to chat with you.

I started a new job recently and it just wears away at my soul. I am not kidding when I tell you how awful I feel at the end of each day. I feel like even Satan is bowing at my feet and saying, "I'm not worthy!" Yeah, that's how bad the job is.

Which means that I take a lot of time for self-care. I don't mean pampering myself with facials and foot massages. I mean, letting all the stress fall away in the shower as I cry, making myself comfort food, and watching shows that are light-hearted and funny. I just need that at the end of every single day.

A few people have asked me to start a group on Facebook where women can gather and lift one another up. I am working on it. I am part of two such amazing groups. One is specific to the state I live in and the other is relatively new.  I ask that you be patient with me while I figure out the logistics and how much time I can dedicate to this. There have been other suggestions made by those who know me personally and I'm really trying to figure out how to bring it all to fruition. 

It's hard when you find your passion! LOL Because then you have to put in the work and pray that it pays off. And having the faith to bring it all about, well, that takes a lot more strength than I have at the moment. However, I have my tribe standing beside me, supporting me to help bring it all about.

I want to thank you for walking with me on this journey. I hope you will continue on with me because I truly believe it is only going to get better. Your support and your comments really do go a long way in showing me that this path is actually where I am meant to be.

In the coming weeks (I hope), I will make a second page here. I will share links to the things I love. Whether it is clothing or other things that keep me sane, I will share the things that make me happy. 

For now, I will wish you a blessed week! Please never hesitate to reach out to me. I will always respond though it may take me a day or two, but you are important to me. Be blessed!

Tomorrow is the Day

 Tomorrow is a very big day for me and I am so very excited!

To others, it will be an ordinary Saturday. But for me? For me, tomorrow is a sort of awakening. 

Years ago, Roseanne did an episode where she did a boudoir photo shoot for her wedding anniversary. When I watched that episode, my only thought was that it seemed to be a very freeing experience. Problem was, back then, a lot of the boudoir photographers were a bit on the seedier side.

Fast forward to 2020 when I discovered a boudoir photographer who has this extraordinary talent that allows a woman's true beauty to shine through. I signed up for a session and have managed to talk myself in and out of actually doing the session at least 30 times in the last few months. But tomorrow? Tomorrow is the day!

I have spent the last month preparing my wardrobe, making sure my hair was trimmed to the perfect style, choosing the look to achieve, and watching my self-confidence escalate.

The last week, I have done facials, gotten my nails done, scrubbed and moisturized myself until my skin is as smooth as possible.

Nails by Pa

And tomorrow is the day. The day when I let go of my ideas of what beauty looks like. The day when I make myself vulnerable. The day that I refuse to look at my flaws. The day that I see what the people who love me best have been seeing all along. The day when I open myself up to the process. The day where I believe that I'm sexy and beautiful.

Tomorrow is the day. Whether it is an extraordinary day or just a normal Saturday, embrace it and the journey! We only get one life! Live it to the fullest!!

Loving Yourself Enough

I had a very big lesson this week and I thought I'd share it with all of you.

 

Not everyone in my life wants me to succeed. As long as I am available to help build their dreams and to help them succeed, I am needed. The minute I start to spread my wings and find my own way, I become disposable. 

The person who taught me this very difficult lesson once told me, "Money makes people do really bad things," and they weren't wrong. Because when it came down to my survival or their checkbook, my survival became trivial.

It was at this point that I realized something that my heart has been telling me for a while. Everyone wants a piece of me, but there are people who get upset if I try to keep a piece of myself...for myself.

You see, I dared to start to dream again. I dared to restart things that would help me succeed. I dared to begin the process that was needed to move forward from this phase...this phase where I was helping someone else create their dream. 

I'm not sure how it all began to be honest, except I began to do an bit of inquiry into what was necessary for me to work on my passion. And it began to spiral into possibilities. And those possibilities became attainable.

Then, I made the mistake of discussing this with a person who I thought wished for me to succeed. When my need to survive and my desire to succeed outweighed my desire to build this person's dreams, bitterness and hatred spewed forth. And I got a very deep look into exactly how this person saw me. It hurt. It hurt badly. But I got the lesson and the push needed to pursue MY dream harder and with everything I have.

So, you see I learned a lesson about self-care. It isn't always about facials, mani/pedis, or meditation. Self-care is about nursing your dreams, following your passion, and creating your own happiness. After all, not everyone in your life wants you to succeed for yourself. If you're not helping further their success or building their dreams, you become useless.

Don't let someone ever take away your desire, your passion, or your dreams! Practice self-care and cut these people from your life! That's what I'm doing.

 

The Moth

I am so blessed to be part of a community of women who lift each other up, empower each other, and just enjoy one another's company. Sure, we get a little rowdy and exchange more than a couple of slightly naughty things, but damn, do they know how to make a woman feel proud to be a woman.

The other day, a member of the group shared this meme: 

I had to roll this over in my mind for a bit before I commented. After all, moths are usually considered nuisances who cling to your screen door in the summer. We seldom discuss moths. When we think of moths, the dullness of colors comes to mind. And, well, let's be honest...they're not as beautiful as butterflies, right?

Then, a friend (not a part of this group) posted a picture of a moth she had found. It was gorgeous! I couldn't believe how stunning this moth was. 

That was when it hit me...HARD. Moths are just as beautiful as butterflies, but they serve many of the same purposes (pollination being a huge one). Moth bodies are a bit fuzzier, fuller, heavier. Moths aren't as flashy in their colors, but they are still beautiful. Instead of needing the sunshine to bounce of their wings to flash their colors, moths have the moonlight. You may have to look a little harder to find the beauty, but it is most certainly there. 

That's when I realized that I am more moth than butterfly. My body isn't slender by ANY definition. My colors are a little more vibrant than some, but the darkness? Oh, the darkness will allow you to see me in my full glory. 

I have spent the last too many decades of my life trying to fit a square peg in a round  hole. For so long, I've tried to be what society deems as beautiful and if I'm not, then I must be horrifically ugly, right? Wrong! (And I seldom will admit this to anyone.) I was so incredibly wrong. 

This is one of the favorite things I've read in a long time:

So, I am on a mission in this my 48th year of life. I am going to stop comparing myself to other women. Because while I may not be their kind of beautiful, I am my own kind of beautiful and that matters, too. And I don't want to be the kind of beautiful that just shows on the outside. I want my beauty to radiate from the inside out and shine brightly in the darkness. After all, moths are attracted to light, right? Maybe this means I'll find even more of my tribe.

When Did You Stop Dancing?

The dreaded birthday has came and went. Lots of sadness and wistfulness have flooded my soul. I have cried until I can cry no more. I have my up days and my down days, but I made it through.

I've been sitting in the moment and letting my days wash over me. I'm finally coming out of the fog and moving forward with life.

The above quote has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. As someone who has Native blood coursing through her veins and feels more in touch with herself when she's near water, I've pondered the questions.

When did I stop dancing? Goodness. It's been a long time. I seldom turn on the music and just cut loose these days. I'm not quite sure why, but I just don't. I used to dance all the time. Badly, mind you, but I still danced.

When did I stop singing? It's been a while for that, too. I am someone who loves music. It is a very HUGE part of my life. The only time I even listen to music these days is on my  way to and from work.  And I love to sing. I've been singing most of my life. For some reason, I've just stopped.

When did I stop being enchanted by stories? I'm not really sure anymore. I am a reader. Once upon a time, I would devour stories at the rate of a book or more a day. These days, I can't remember the last book I read. I pre-ordered a book for myself as soon as I could. It sits on my nightstand with an uncracked cover. By the same token, I've also quit writing my own stories. I just have no desire to write these days and I don't know why.

I can't remember the last time I walked barefoot in the grass or just sat in the sunshine. I'm so ungrounded and off-kilter these days. I haven't spent a lot of time staring up at the stars in infinite wonder and spoke to the moon of wishes and dreams. 

Instead, I've simply held onto the hurt, depression, and anxiety, allowing the darkness to wrap around me like a blanket.

So, today, I have opened up all the curtains and let the sun flood my world. I turned the music on. I still haven't sang, but I'll get there. Dancing? Well, that may have to wait for another day. (I have a dog who gets WAY too excited. LOL)

So, if you're feeling down, let me ask you, "When did you stop dancing? When did you quit singing? When were you last enchanted by stories?"

And for today, turn on your music and dance! Who cares how silly you look? Laugh. Be young again. And dance like no one is watching!

Let's Talk about Being Enough

Webster's Dictionary defines "enough" as: "occurring in such quantity, quality or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations."

So, riddle me this: Why does a woman have a demand, need, or expectation placed on her to satisfy society? I cannot for the life of me figure this out!

For many years (and I do mean many), I wasn't enough. I wasn't skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, ambitious enough, demure enough...you name it and I wasn't enough. I tried. I really did, but nothing I did could meet the expectations of friends, family, or society. Because of that, I have walked through my life, bearing the cross that I'll never be enough.

I wore glasses when other girls didn't. I bit my nails. I dressed like a tomboy. I played dumb so boys would like me. I couldn't decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. I preferred getting lost in a book to being outside. I didn't mind being alone. I didn't date much. I like eating a lot more than I like exercising.

A few years ago, I met a man who promised me that I was enough. He walked with me on this journey and helped me smash the records in my head that spewed the vile things I'd been telling myself my entire life. He declared me "perfect"...until my anxiety and depression got the better of me. Then, I became "too much" and "not worth the effort." He stepped back and walked out of my life without looking back. In the blink of an eye, I went from being "not enough" to "too much."

Where is the line? Do you know?

It has taken a lot of time to heal myself (and it is still a work in progress) from my past. One thing that I've discovered over the years is this: I will always be "not enough" for some people, too much for others, but for the people who love me...I will always be enough.

I owe nothing to anyone. If you don't find me beautiful, I'm good with that. You don't think I'm thin enough, fine. You think I'm high maintenance, good thing you don't foot the bill to maintain me. I'm too vocal/blunt/over the top/emotional when it comes to my feelings and opinions? Then, don't listen to me. I will not force anyone to be my friend. You haven't walked my journey, just as I haven't walked yours. I will sit with you and not judge you, but I expect the same courtesy.

Do not force yourself into a box to satisfy societal needs. Do not shrink yourself down or hide your true self away because people can't handle you. Be you! That is the advice I wish I would have gotten years ago. The world needs YOU! It's YOU that makes this world such a unique and wonderful place!

I will tell you this: You ARE enough! You ARE beautiful enough! You ARE smart enough! You ARE  special enough! You ARE enough! And you ARE loved!!

You Do You, Boo!

Believe me when I say that I'm speaking to myself as much as anyone when I say this.

You've made bad decisions? It's okay.
You've made mistakes? It's okay.
This isn't a life sentence. You're allowed to use that lesson as a jumping off point. You're allowed to grow from your past. You are not the woman you once were. You've grown. You've changed. You're allowed all of that!

Self-love looks like so many things. It may be a mani/pedi or it may be spending a day in your pajamas, binge watching Disney movies (or vet shows on Disney+, I'm just sayin'). It could be giving yourself a facial or cleaning your house. Or, as I was once lucky enough to have (before this quarantine hit), a six hour lunch with your best friend where tears and laughter took over for that time. Sometimes, it's letting go of the baggage that is weighing you down and keeping you from being the best version of yourself for yourself.

That is what self-love is all about. Doing what's best for you in that moment. Society pressures us to do more and be more. Even in quarantine, I'm seeing posts about bettering yourself and learning a new hobby. Seriously? Some days, I just don't want to. Some days, I want to wallow in my misery and eat comfort food. Other days, I go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine. Then, I open up a vein and write a blogpost. 

One thing my beautiful goddess of a best friend tells me often is this: You do you, Boo!

She doesn't always understand why I enjoy the things I do and vice versa. But in a world where pressure to be absolutely everything to everyone reigns, it's nice to hear those words. 

So, from one woman to another, let me say the thing that maybe you need to hear most: It's okay. You do you, Boo!