I Did This Thing

 A few weeks ago, I wrote about a photo shoot I was doing. It was exciting and fun! And it was something that I was doing for myself, above and beyond all else.

My purpose in doing this shoot was two-fold. One was to allow me to see the beauty others claim to see. And number two was to promote Body Love, loving the body you're in no matter what the size. 

Now, you've seen pictures of me. Enough to know that I am not a skinny girl. I'm plus-size and at the age of 48, I don't really see that changing a lot. However, it doesn't mean that I'm not beautiful. 

I really wanted other women to see these pictures and say, "Wow! If she can do it, I can, too!" I wanted to empower women to straighten their crowns and walk like the queens they are.

I did my personal shoot on Saturday, then did a shoot for the Boudie Babes-Ambassador group on Sunday. I was exhausted by the time the weekend was over. My emotions were on a roller coaster. I was not feeling beautiful or sexy at all by the end of Sunday. But can I tell you something? 

Looking at the pictures? Wow! I look amazing! I look as beautiful as I felt that day as I was posing for these photos. And the man that I shared them with? The only response I got from him was "Smiles" and "They are beautiful." (They also sparked a conversation in which I was told that he's very much a boob guy. We also spun out some very hot topics that had us both smiling when we said our goodnights.)

So, with that all being said, let me show you:

I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be a smaller size to make these shoots work. This is me. When I look at these photos, I see sexy. I see confident. I see beauty. I see a Queen taking her power and using it to her advantage.

The Art of Accepting a Compliment

Why is it so hard for us to accept a compliment? Maybe you don't have that issue. But I do. Someone compliments something I've made and I can always point out a flaw. "Oh, thank you, but it didn't turn out like I'd hoped." Someone comes into my home and says, "It looks amazing" and my response usually involves picking at some little thing that didn't get done. Nevermind trying to compliment me personally. 

I am told often throughout my day that I'm beautiful or amazing or incredible or any other wonderful adjective that can be used to describe another human. And I shrug it off because people see a mere illusion when they see me, right? But there is one voice that has broken through the cacophony and brought me to my knees.

I have someone in my life who insists on a photo of me every single day. And with every pic I send, he will tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful. He's half a world away at the moment, but he always takes time from his day to make me feel so special. He gets me to brag on myself, my work ethic, or any other thing that makes me feel like I'm enough. 

When we started this, he would compliment me and I'd always find something negative to say. I would point out each and every flaw possible. When I started getting remarks from him saying things like "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?" or "Do you not believe me?," I really began to think about the heart of the man paying me these compliments. 

What's he getting from telling me how beautiful I am? Nothing, other than the satisfaction of making me feel good about myself. What gain does he receive from telling me how perfect or amazing I am in his eyes? Again, nothing. He simply wants me to know how he feels and how he sees me. 

He knows I'm difficult. He gets that my self-esteem is high some days and extremely low other days. But can I tell you something that I don't think even he understands? 

I look forward to sending him these pictures every day. Whether he gets one with a full-face of make-up or one where I am still in bed with my face full of wrinkles from my pillowcase and bed head, I find beauty within as I snap each pic. 

I used to make him ask each day. Because, in my opinion, who could possibly need to see ME every single day? Turns out that this man does. And I don't make him ask anymore. Even on days when I feel like shit, I still send him a pic. 

I've discovered that he does that to make sure that I'm okay. Some days, I receive the message that says "You look stressed." You can hide a lot behind a computer screen. You cannot hide much in a photo...especially when you are the end of your rope and ready to fall apart. 

Don't get me wrong...we still tease and pick at each other because that's who we are. As much as I have grown accustomed to reading his appreciation of my beauty, inside and out, it is the "You make my heart smile" or "You make me laugh" that fills my heart to the capacity that it overflows all over the place. 

I grew up in a family where my grandma and mom were seldom in pictures. If they were, they would put their hands over their faces and try to hide. You know the pictures I crave seeing these days? Yep, it is pictures of Grandma and Mom simply because it brings them closer to me.

Some day, I hope the man who is a half a world away reads this and knows that no matter what happens between us... he understands how far he's brought me in learning to simply say "Thank you" when he gives me compliment.

 

Tomorrow is the Day

 Tomorrow is a very big day for me and I am so very excited!

To others, it will be an ordinary Saturday. But for me? For me, tomorrow is a sort of awakening. 

Years ago, Roseanne did an episode where she did a boudoir photo shoot for her wedding anniversary. When I watched that episode, my only thought was that it seemed to be a very freeing experience. Problem was, back then, a lot of the boudoir photographers were a bit on the seedier side.

Fast forward to 2020 when I discovered a boudoir photographer who has this extraordinary talent that allows a woman's true beauty to shine through. I signed up for a session and have managed to talk myself in and out of actually doing the session at least 30 times in the last few months. But tomorrow? Tomorrow is the day!

I have spent the last month preparing my wardrobe, making sure my hair was trimmed to the perfect style, choosing the look to achieve, and watching my self-confidence escalate.

The last week, I have done facials, gotten my nails done, scrubbed and moisturized myself until my skin is as smooth as possible.

Nails by Pa

And tomorrow is the day. The day when I let go of my ideas of what beauty looks like. The day when I make myself vulnerable. The day that I refuse to look at my flaws. The day that I see what the people who love me best have been seeing all along. The day when I open myself up to the process. The day where I believe that I'm sexy and beautiful.

Tomorrow is the day. Whether it is an extraordinary day or just a normal Saturday, embrace it and the journey! We only get one life! Live it to the fullest!!

Body Shaming

Let's chat, shall we? Body shaming is just another form of bullying. And can we agree that being a bully is unacceptable?

As a woman who has never been smaller than a size 12, I have heard a lot of body shaming on how plus-size women are "unhealthy", "unfit", "shameful", and any other adjective that can be used. Hell, I've spent so much time putting myself down that I began to believe it. It is only in the past 6 months that I have begun to accept that this is who I am. I will never be a size 2. I'd look deathly ill if I ever got that tiny. I eat fairly healthy and do what I can to take care of myself. I'm beautiful just as I am.

However...as a plus size woman, I am guilty of looking at smaller women and thinking, "Dear god, eat something." And that isn't fair either. I've also read posts on social media where a woman who is smaller than me is complaining about how much she hates herself. I have laughed and said, "Sure, honey, you hate your body." You know what? That is just mean! Everyone sees their flaws and can only focus on their imperfections.

I've made a conscious effort of actively acknowledging when I am thinking body shaming thoughts. Just as some plus size women have issues that cause their weight to go up, smaller women have issues that keep them from gaining weight. We are all human! We are all flawed in some way! However, when we see these posts on social media, maybe we can take a moment to straighten that Queen's crown and let her know that she is beautiful as she is. If we stopped judging each other based on what size pants we wear, we could really make a difference in this world. 

Look deeper at a person. See their heart and the beauty that radiates from within. Notice their smile and how bright it shines. Pick up that person who only sees what is wrong with their outer appearance and show them that their flaws make them unique and special. 

Someone very dear to my heart told me recently, "Everyone is different. Everyone has problems. However, how boring would this world be if we were all alike."

In a world gone crazy, can we just love one another? As women, let's lift each other up, empower each other, and accept one another, not for how we look, but for who we are.

Taking Ownership

I apologize. I've missed a couple of weeks here. Work and life got overly busy. Things are shifting and changing is a very positive way.

I went to dinner with a friend the other night and we were having this beautiful conversation. The topic turned to taking ownership of your life. 

This year has been insane! However, in the midst of the insanity, I have found peace. Peace with myself and who I am. I have taken ownership of so many things this year.

First of all, my age. I am 48 and I am owning it. I don't look it. I don't act it. I don't dress the part. I am 48 and am loving every minute of this age. I'm still more comfortable in jeans and t-shirts with my feet bare. My hair is multi-colored, but it suits my personality...or so I'm told. I've released inhibitions that I've carried for years and I feel freer than ever.

Secondly, my body. I'm not the pretty sort of curvy that most people think of. Gravity has carried my breasts a little further south than I'd like. There's more tummy than I want to think about. And there are lines around my eyes that are relatively new. However, I still get called things like "beautiful", "yummy", and "perfect". This body has carried me through some amazing times and some really bad times. I wear the same size pants I wore in high school and my shirts are only slightly bigger than they were 30 years ago. I need to be damn proud of that.

And lastly, this life I'm being blessed with. It has definitely taken a turn that I never saw coming. I've ended up in some crazy places with even crazier people. However, there was a song we used to sing in church when I was a kid and it talked about showers of blessings. I never dreamed that this song would apply to my life. Things have changed and I am being showered in an abundance of blessings. Instead running for shelter and waiting for the storm to pass, I am dancing in the blessings, letting each one touch me. After all, I deserve to be blessed, too.

We can all agree that 2020 is not the year we were hoping it would be. Like my previous post stated, it is the year we needed. Step into yourself. Own who you are. Own the life you've been given. We only get one go around. Why spend it looking for the other shoe to drop or mourning over the body you had 30 years ago? Love it. Embrace it. Own it! Who cares what society thinks? Who are you harming by loving yourself? 

Falling Apart

This week has been a lesson in how wonderful things fall apart in order for even better things to come together.

In my last blogpost, I was in a bad spot with someone I trusted and confided in. However, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do something big to change my stars. In a matter of days, I did exactly that.

I also had to let go of something that meant more to me than anything else. In hanging on, I had done myself more damage than I realized. Once I let go, everything began to fall into place. And I do mean everything. Do you want to know what happened?

I became happy! I found such joy in life. The dark clouds parted and the sunshine lit up my world. My happy lights me up from the inside out which only makes me more beautiful. That beauty boosts my confidence. My confidence boosts my level of sexy. My level of sexy boosts my confidence higher and the circle keeps going on and on.

I am doing this thing where I am helping a very dear lady and friend promote her business. I was terrified when I first approached her, but the more I let go of things, the more steady and balanced I'm feeling. And I cannot wait to see what comes out of these next 6 months. She knows she is changing lives with what she does. She is showing women that they are beautiful and sexy, which boosts their confidence. And there are friendships that are forming. Deep lasting friendships that only secure the foundation of what my friend is building. 

By letting go of the things that are bad for us (relationships, thoughts, insecurities, inhibitions, beliefs), we grow into more than we ever dreamed we could be and we become more loving toward ourselves. In everything falling apart, something even better can come together to take its place.

So, as the world is falling apart in front of us, maybe this isn't exactly the year we were expecting. However, from it may spring forth a better, stronger world.

I know, for me, 2020 has not been what I expected by any stretch of the imagination, but what is coming is so much better than I dared dream was possible. I just had to let things fall apart so that better things could come together.

Loving Yourself Enough

I had a very big lesson this week and I thought I'd share it with all of you.

 

Not everyone in my life wants me to succeed. As long as I am available to help build their dreams and to help them succeed, I am needed. The minute I start to spread my wings and find my own way, I become disposable. 

The person who taught me this very difficult lesson once told me, "Money makes people do really bad things," and they weren't wrong. Because when it came down to my survival or their checkbook, my survival became trivial.

It was at this point that I realized something that my heart has been telling me for a while. Everyone wants a piece of me, but there are people who get upset if I try to keep a piece of myself...for myself.

You see, I dared to start to dream again. I dared to restart things that would help me succeed. I dared to begin the process that was needed to move forward from this phase...this phase where I was helping someone else create their dream. 

I'm not sure how it all began to be honest, except I began to do an bit of inquiry into what was necessary for me to work on my passion. And it began to spiral into possibilities. And those possibilities became attainable.

Then, I made the mistake of discussing this with a person who I thought wished for me to succeed. When my need to survive and my desire to succeed outweighed my desire to build this person's dreams, bitterness and hatred spewed forth. And I got a very deep look into exactly how this person saw me. It hurt. It hurt badly. But I got the lesson and the push needed to pursue MY dream harder and with everything I have.

So, you see I learned a lesson about self-care. It isn't always about facials, mani/pedis, or meditation. Self-care is about nursing your dreams, following your passion, and creating your own happiness. After all, not everyone in your life wants you to succeed for yourself. If you're not helping further their success or building their dreams, you become useless.

Don't let someone ever take away your desire, your passion, or your dreams! Practice self-care and cut these people from your life! That's what I'm doing.